In my new book letters From A Desperate Heart I touch on how unwanted (by me) the baby I now have once was but today as I see my little supper trooper weighing in at a whooping 1lb 5oz I am overcome with the love I have for him and I cannot help but wonder if it was my own disdain that caused this...

Today marks an official week that my little one decided that he was ready to make his entrance into this world. Thanks to a prolapsed cord slowly making its way through my cervix an emergency cesarean was performed; ending any hope that my little one would hold until I was at least twenty eight weeks pregnant.

How many times have you woke up in the morning hit snooze turned over and was like five more minutes? How many times have you said not today? When your life is filled with activity and purpose all you want to do is rest however when that activity is taken away you begin to long for the very thing you admonished. ​This morning I woke up in pain for I literally sleep, eat, bathe, and live on a 39x80 cot with a pad in a  200 square foot space that I do not have freedom to roam about. I have to ask someone to dump my urine, help me in the bed, give me food, and pass me items. I miss my life, I miss my daughter, I miss my freedom, I miss seeing wild flowers blow in the breeze, I miss hearing the birds chirping alerting me that it is indeed day, I miss...

Thankful yet un-pleased. Happy yet sad. Blessed yet in need. As some may know and many may not I am pregnant! On Sunday May 15, 2016 my water broke, at only 22 weeks pregnant it looked like I was about to go into labor. However after the initial shock of fear and distraught I became hopeful, not truly realizing or focusing on the reality at hand. I was just purely happy. Though my water broke entirely to early I was glad my baby still had a chance at life.  

As of late I have been using the internet as a tool to block out and numb the pain of uselessness that I feel in my life. I struggle for I really don't know how many more days I can go with purpose in my heart but never any evidence that I will ever achieve the fruition of it ever being.

In five mine it will be an hour that I have been waiting for the police to arrive... Aside from running a little late my morning began like any other morning so of course I would have never imagined that within two hours time of me getting up that i would not only be involved in an accident but be the one at fault for it occurring. So much is taking place in my life right now.

"This time I'm gonna be stronger I'm not giving in" As that phrase resonates in my head, heart and soul all I can think is "I'm not giving in!" Today introduces the beginning of a new day and week. I rejoice for the pain, struggle, and difficulty of my yesterday did not have the ability to stop, kill, destroy or defeat me. Outdoors I sit, contemplating if, the hope I feel is truly ​prevalent. I have inner joy and some extremely small yet guarded faith that has 

As the water from my shower mingled with my tears I wondered as I had so many times before "What am I going to do?" At that moment I was stricken. I was troubled by the cold hand of fear that had shackled  me with doubt and filled me with disbelief. As I stood in the shower I remembered how it once was easy for me to believe, to have faith, and to take chances.